Sad

I'm not usually one to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I am very sad. Instead of keeping it in, I figure the best place for things to be are out in the open.

As you know, I've been fighting, what has turned out to be, a massive sinus infection. I think this was the catalyst for the unfortunate chain of events that has recently occurred in my life.

Monday was my birthday and was turning out to be a good day. In the afternoon, we got our first call from Job and Family Services for foster placements! I was so excited! We were hoping to get one child, but they asked us if we would be willing to take three. The kids were three, one and a half and two months. The youngest, a boy, was in the hospital and would remain there until he could have heart surgery. So for the meantime, we would have two little girls. I talked with Matt and he was willing. I was so excited. I think my excitement clouded my judgement. Looking back now, I should have declined and given myself time to get over being ill before taking on such a big responsibility.

We had nothing ready for the girls. We scrambled to round up car seats and Matt and I headed to the agency to get them. It was cold an windy. We met in the parking lot and I was handed a cold, scared and crying little three-year-old girl. At first, she didn't want me to hold her, but she was shivering. I asked, "Are you cold?"
"Uh Huh..." she nodded.
"Do you want me told hold you to keep you warm?"
She nodded in agreement.
With papers flying around and signatures being put here and there, bags getting exchanged and two kids crying, we manged to get the girls in the car. Matt was taking care of the one-year-old.

The workers who gave us the girls I think thought we were taking on alot for our first placements. I knew it would be hard. But, how hard could it be?

We stopped at Wal-Mart to get supplies. Matt stayed with the girls while I shopped. When I got back in the car, the older one was jabbering away and both seemed quite happy despite what had just happened. We got an earful on the way home. In the simple language of a three-year-old I was given small glimpses of what she experienced when they came to take her and her sister. It was so sad. I hope she doesn't remember it.

When we got home, my parents were at the house because they had brought up a crib that a lady in our church found for us. Mom had it washed up and ready to go. I had told Sally, the three-year-old, that my mommy and daddy were going to be at my house when we got there. I told her their names and she could call them Bob or Sharon, Grandpa or Grandma, Pa or Ma--that they would be her foster grandparents like I would be their foster mom. My mom was looking out the front door as Sally, her sister Jill and I went up the sidewalk. Sally saw my mom and exclaimed, "Grandma's here!" When we got inside, I introduced her to my dad.
"This is my daddy, Bob," I said.
"Hi Grandpa," she said.
I got teary eyed on that one.
The girls went about the house taking in their new surroundings. They were dirty and completely soaked through from their wet diapers. I opted to put them in the tub. This is where things started getting a little hairy.

Jill didn't want anything to do with my mom, being in the bathroom or getting a bath. She screamed almost the whole time! Sally was wonderful. Jill settled down a little once she discovered the bath toys. But, when I washed her hair, that sent her over the edge. She cried so hard she shook. Then, she pooped in the tub. I got the girls out quickly and dried them and got fresh diapers on. Did I mention Jill threw up after I got her out of the tub? Jill was still crying and continued to cry until we were back downstairs. We had to find the bag with their new jammies in them so they played while I cleaned up the tub. This is when I started not feeling well. I started crying and getting sick in my stomach and shaking. My mom came up to help me and I told her, "I can't do this..." She reassured me that I could. I was having doubts.

We finally found the jammies and mom and dad got the girls dressed while I fixed them some supper. They didn't hardly eat anything. Jill threw the Graham crackers I gave her at me and picked the applesauce off the plate that she clearly didn't want on there. Mom and Matt were getting the crib set up. Once the girls declared they were "done", I went upstairs to help finish making the beds. I felt so hot and light headed. I was sweating to beat the band. I sat on the bed and cried. I started feeling sick again and went to the bathroom to throw up. Matt tried to console me, but it wasn't working. I felt so tired. I just wanted everything to go away.

We tried to put the girls to bed. That ended up turning into another fiasco. We had two sobbing little girls. I tried to comfort them, but they just wanted to be up. I just wanted to lay down. At this point, I was running on sheer willpower. I got the girls up and we walked downstairs. I remember having to stop and rest on the way down the steps. Sally informed me that her diaper was coming off and I asked Mom to go upstairs and get the diapers. I remember sitting down in the chair. Mom came with the diapers and I started walking over to the couch and I just collapsed. I remember being in this limp heap leaning against the couch and my mom and Matt shaking me and talking to me, but I couldn't respond. My arms and legs and hands felt cold and tingly and I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything. My mom was crying. My dad called the squad. They got there quickly. I remember them saying my name and asking me questions, but I couldn't do anything. The squad guys carried me to the stretcher and I remember it hurt but I couldn't even say it hurt. I was so limp. The one squad guy said, "the lights are on, but nobody's home." I was completely aware of what was going on, but couldn't do anything about it.

In the ambulance they put oxygen on me and that seemed to help. I was scared. Was what I was perceiving really what was happening? I remember the EMT said, "I think somebody took too much Trazedone..." I knew that wasn't right, but couldn't tell him. I just remember furrowing my brows and trying to say "no", but I couldn't make my mouth work.

We got to the hospital and, of course, they just start working on you. My mom rode in the ambulance and was by my side once we got to the hospital. They kept asking me questions and I couldn't talk or hardly move. I couldn't figure out why or what was going on. I could give a "thumbs up" and "thumbs down". The doctor asked me lots of questions and I answered either with a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down". They started running an EKG and CT scan and scads of bloodwork. I kind of lost my concept of time. The last I knew it was 9:48 PM. When Mom told me it was 12:30 AM, I didn't believe her. As the night wore on, I started getting feeling and movement back in my hands, arms, legs and feet. But, I still couldn't talk. My mouth was making all these uncontrolled movement and sounds. I would try to talk, but I couldn't make my mouth and tongue do what I needed it to. I tried and tried. I wondered "Am I going to be like this from now on?" I finally asked for paper and pencil. My writing looked like a little kid's writing. But, at least I could communicate. I was feeling like such a failure. I remember writing "Failed" on the paper. My mom got upset and tried to reassure me. The more upset I got the worse my uncontrolled movements got. I knew I had to try and calm down. The doctor came in and said that my lab work was coming back normal except the CT scan showed that all my sinuses were infected. At some point my dad had arrived and was asking questions. Matt was home with the girls. The consensus was to get an MRI, but I would have to stay the night and get it in the morning. I was in the ER for a while yet. Slowly, I regained more and more coordination. I was finally able to whisper and then talk, but it was hard to do. I was afraid to go to sleep.

I was taken to my room around 4:00 AM. Of course, there were lots of questions the nurses needed to ask. I just remember feeling so tired. I was finally done with all the admittance questions and they brought me a pill to make me fall asleep because I was fighting sleep from fear.

I woke up after 8:00 AM. I remember waking up and crying. I still felt like an absolute failure. I think the doctor came in and talked to me. Everyone kept asking me how I felt. It was the same answer every time, "Tired". I was crying when my nurse came in. She sat on my bed and just talked to me. She tried to reassure me that I wasn't a failure. Deep down I still did--and still do.

I got two courses of IV antibiotic and slept alot. Matt and Mom and Dad came to see me. I just felt so tired. Matt talked with the agency and they were able to find another foster family to take the girls. I knew I would barely be able to take care of myself, let alone two busy girls.

I was released in the evening on the 16th. I came home and saw all my critters. Matt and I did a lot of crying together. I just wanted some sense of normalcy back. Anything. I took my meds and went to bed.

I woke up yesterday and wondered if it had all been a dream. But, I saw the diapers and sippy cups and knew it wasn't. My mom and dad came up to help me and make sure I was okay. Matt did my chores for me and went to work. I really didn't want to be alone. Mom helped me get the house straightened up and we agreed to put the toys and anything else kid-related away in the kid room and shut the door. I really don't want to revisit the incident. When I look at the empty Pack-n-Play, it just reminds me that I feel inadequate somehow. It torments me in a way, knowing it's empty.

I know I was a mom for only afew hours, but today, being alone I am feeling a sense of loss. I feel almost like I'm grieving in a way. I wonder how the girls are doing in their new home.

The agency put Matt and I on "Need A Break" status until I get a physical from the doctor stating that I am healthy enough to be a foster parent. It makes me angry in a way. I feel like everyone is treating me like I'm fragile and I'll break or like I'm a fruit or something. I'm not. I feel sane and rational. Looking back, if I wouldn't have been so worn down, I'm sure I would have pulled through. Yeah, the first few days would have been rough, but we would have managed. But, my body said, "You're done". They diagnosed me with a conversion disorder. I looked it up in my college Psych book. It is a somatoform disorder. Meaning, it is a disorder where "distressing symptoms take a somatic (bodily) form, without apparent physical causes..." In conversion disorder, anxiety is "presumed to be converted into a physical symptom...A patient with conversion disorder might lose sensation in a way that makes no neurological sense. Yet the physical symptoms would be real; one could stick pins in the affected area and get no response. Others experience unexplained paralysis, blindness, or an inability to swallow, and are strangely indifferent to their problems." (Myers, David G. Physchology. New York: Worth Publishers, 1995.)

I'm not sure I agree with the diagnosis 100%. It explains the temporary paralysis, but I never really felt "anxious". Maybe a little, but I've felt WAY more anxious just shopping in Wal-Mart than I EVER did that night. I still think I was just too run down. I may never truly know why the incident happened, but I don't want it to happen again.

I probably won't post for awhile. Keep me in your prayers.

Okay, So I Wasn't On the Mend

This time I was MIA in the Trenches of Illness. Ugh! I've felt so terrible. I thought I was getting better and then the sinus pressure and plugging settled in and didn't want to leave. You know that Mucinex commercial where the mucous moved in? Well, that was me Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Finally on Friday, I had to go to the doctor. The nurse practitioner put me on some antibiotics and over-the-counter decongestants. She diagnosed me with a sinus infection and upper respiratory infection. When I got home from the doctor, I took a shower, ate a little something, took my drugs and rested. I hadn't slept well in three days, so I went to bed at 11:00 PM Friday night and got up at 12:00 PM Saturday! I slept for 13 hours! Yesterday, I think I turned the corner and am on my way to recovery. All that sleep must have helped. My chest is still rattly and wheezy. I have a stethoscope I keep on hand to use on the critters if I need to. I got it out and listened to my chest. It was very instrumental.

Needless to say, I didn't go to church today. I've spent the afternoon catching up on paperwork. I hate to balance the checkbooks with the statements (I use online banking, mostly). With nothing better to do, I got out the statements and got to it. I filed and tied up the loose ends for 2009. Now, all the 2009 paperwork can go to the basement for storage. Ahh! What a relief to know it's done.

The weather here has been wonderful. The robins are back and I even heard a Red-Winged Blackbird. The daffodils are up and I've even seen my daylillies and hyacinths peeking out. Spring is springing!

My brother and my sister-in-law will be welcoming baby number four on Tuesday. My birthday is tomorrow, so that will be a nice present. It's supposed to be another boy. Four boys!!! They are 8, 7 and 1.

Spring Is Springing!

You all may be wondering what happened to me. I've been MIA in the Trenches of Life!

Last week was just crazy, with somewhere to be most everyday and getting home late on top of that. The weekend wasn't much better. And now, I've been sick with my usual Spring cold and sinus infection. Cough Cough. Hack Hack. Monday and Tuesday I just felt drained. I only did what needed done and the rest of the time I was in bed or in my chair. The coughing has subsided some and is starting to loosen up, but now I'm congested and still feel a little achy. But, I'm drinking and resting and seem to be on the mend.

Today we are forecasted to get a high of 62!!! Yee haw!!! Even though I've felt crummy, I still had to get out and take advantage of the weather. I wore a dark jacket doing chores this morning and the sun just seeped into it! It felt so nice and warm! Even after chores were done, I found myself loitering around outside just to be outside. I saw some opportunities to snap some pictures.

Daffodils peeking through! It still amazes me each Spring when the bulbs start to awaken underground at just the right time. I guess God tells them it's time to wake up.

Tuffy enjoying the warm weather. And look, grass!

I couldn't believe it when I saw this Yellow Jacket climbing up the garage! He was moving slow, but enjoying the weather like the rest of us.

Ahh, Spring is springing. With Spring comes full manure pits. My honey just got a call today from a farmer whose manure pit is just about ready to overflow. I had to take a short break from writing this to help him load some of his equipment. That means driving the loader tractor, hitching and unhitching things, loading equipment on the trailer, etc. I'm always nervous when I have to run the tractor because Matt is a heavy equipment operator too. He can do this kind of stuff in his sleep--and he does (he talks sometimes and it's always about work). After many arguments, I think I've gotten him to realize not to assume I know what he's thinking and to be clear and concise--whether it is in explaining or using hand signals. I thought I did well considering I'm not all with it with this cold and sinus thing. No major catastrophes and no one got hurt.

So, Matt'll be off soon to get set-up to pump. Yeah! Not that he's leaving, but that he has work. Work is good.

Recipe of the Week: Baked Beans
courtesy Renee Schaaf, CT Farm

I made these beans last night for supper. I just threw them together and they turned out well. Next time I might add bacon. Instead of one of the cans of Pork-n-Beans, I might add a can of kidney beans or chili beans.

2 14.5 oz. cans Pork-n-Beans
1/4 c. applesauce
2 Tbsp. dried minced onion
2 Tbsp. ketchup
1/2 tsp. mustard
1/2 Tbsp. Liquid Smoke
2 Tbsp. brown sugar
1 tsp. smoked paprika
1/16 tsp. ground red pepper
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. garlic powder

Combine all ingredients and place in a baking dish. Bake at 400 degrees for 30 minutes.

Isn't Technology Wonderful?

I appologize for not posting! I have been busy, but what has been driving me crazy was a virus that somehow attached itself to my blog! I noticed it a few days ago when I tried to pull up my blog. My internet security (Great job Kapersky!) was blocking something called:

www.mktseek.com/myport.php?ref=postmaster HEUR:Trojan.Script.Iframer.

I was able to go to blogspot.com and sign in to my account and use the help forum. I posted what problems I was having and quickly got some responses. Both replies recommended deleteing some of the gadgets I had added. So, no more interactive "Joe Kitty", seasonal foods and sadly no more playlist. I really liked the playlist too. I'm not sure which one could have been the culprit, but the problem is resolved--at least for now.

Again, sorry for not posting. I'll have plenty to talk about in the next few days!

Work Day, Adventures in Babysitting, Day of Rest, Around the World & Recipe of the Week: Mexican Casserole

I've been a busy bee lately. Friday was a work day. Nothing too exciting there.

Saturday, I cleaned house in the morning and then Matt and I did a little shopping. First we grabbed a bite, then went to Other Mothers and New Destinations Thrift store in Wooster. I found some Easter baskets for nephew number four that will be arriving March 16th. My mom fixes Easter baskets and so do I for the boys (my nephews). Then, we headed to Lodi Station Outlets. It is an outlet mall. I was looking for chrome or stainless steel cooling racks and was having no luck anywhere else. There is a store there called Kitchen Collection. I figured if anyone would have them, Kitchen Collection would, and they did. I'm a sucker for kitchen gadgets and this store has tons. I told Matt, "I could drop a lot of money in this store..." He agreed that I probably could. We checked out a couple of baby stores and some shoe stores, but didn't find anything. Then, we were off to my friend Peggy's house. It was Peggy's birthday and she and her hubby (Scott Rixson of Scott Rixson Custom Guitars--check out the link) were going out with friends for dinner. Matt and I were going to watch their two kids. No major catastrophies. Matt and I had fun. I think their girls did too. So did Peggy and Scott.

Sunday was another day of rest. Church in the morning, afternoon with my parents. We cut the afternoon short to get back to Wooster and meet up with Stan, the guy I milk cows for. Matt and he had some business to attend to. I was able to catch the tail-end of milking and feed the calves. There were three calves to feed and they were hungry! I was practically mauled! They were trying to nurse off of my pants or anywhere they could! Al, Stan's hired man, came to my rescue and helped with crowd control. After milking, we went to visit Matt's dad and watched the closing ceremonies of the olympics.

Yesterday was very busy. I had a chiropractor appointment in the morning and errands to run after that. I had Tuffy scheduled for an ultrasound, of the bulgy muscle Dr. Amity found, at one o'clock in Berlin. On my way to the vet, I stopped at the Country Pantry and got Matt some lunch meat and cheese. I was a little ahead of schedule, so I took some back roads into Berlin and snapped some photos of Amish farms. I love the peacefulness of the farms and fields in Winter. Soon, God will paint these sleeping fields and pastures in the lush greens of Spring--views I never tire of!




I got to the clinic at about 10 minutes to one. I got in right away and Dr. Amity let me watch the ultrasound. I Rubbed Tuff's chest to keep him calm through the ordeal. He has a fatty tumor (lypoma) that is running between the muscles on the inside of his right rear leg. Dr. Amity said the location is more rare for this type of tumor to occur, but nothing needs to be done at this time. I just have to keep an eye on it and see if it changes. If it gets too big, or get's in his way, then it may have to be removed. But, no action needed now. She took a fine needle aspiration (FNA) to be sure it was what she thought it was. The cytology showed fat. I was relieved. Tuff wanted to be done and back in the car. I picked up some meds for the yeast infection Dr. Amity suspected and confirmed that Tuff had in his ears and we were off. I stopped at Nature's Food Market and picked up a few things. Then, we headed to my parent's.

Our church was having a Women's Fellowship meeting at 6:30 PM and mom and I were going to go. So, I hung out at Mom and Dad's till then and then Mom and I went to the meeting. We had the business meeting first and then we made a no-sew fleece blanket to have on hand for any new babies in the church. Mom and I got back to her house around 8:45 PM. I chatted a bit and then headed back to Wooster. I got home a little after 10:00 PM.

Recipe of the Week: Mexican Casserole
courtesy Peggy Rixson and Renee Schaaf

My friend Peggy gave me the original recipe and I put my spin on it.

1 lb. ground beef
1/2 lb. Bob Evan's Zesty Hot Sausage
1 medium onion, diced
1 14.5 oz. can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 14.5 oz. can diced tomatoes, divided
2 tsp. chili powder
2 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/16 tsp. red pepper
1 tsp. dried cilantro
1-2 Tbsp. honey
2 cups salsa
8 oz. block sharp cheddar cheese, cut into thirds
6 8-inch flour tortillas

In a large saucepan, brown ground beef and sausage until cooked. Drain any grease. Add onion, black beans, half the can of tomatoes, chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, salt, red pepper, cilantro and honey. Stir and let simmer until onions are tender. Remove from heat.

In a medium bowl add salsa and remaining tomatoes, stir and set aside.

Spray a 9x13 pan with cooking spray. Take two tortillas and tear them each in half. Place tortilla pieces in the pan with strait sides on the sides of the pan. Layer 1/3 of the meat mixture, 1/2 the salsa mixture and shred 1/3 of the cheese. Repeat. For the final layer, spread the remaining meat mixture and shred the remaining 1/3 of cheese. Bake uncovered in 450 degree oven for 15 minutes. Remove and let sit five minutes before cutting. Serve with sour cream.